New Whose Line! Episode 9: Wanna See Her Box?

Starring Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus Special Guest Laila Ali, known for felling such legitimate competitors as John Ratzenberger and Billy Ray Cyrus in season four of Dancing with the Stars!
(Watch it here!)

Unsavory Un-Scenes from un Chapeau: Wayne and Jeff stand on one side of the stage and Colin and Ryan stand on the other, because how else could they act out: “Unlikely cartoon characters to cameo in an adult movie”, “Weird things to happen… at a doctor’s exam”, and “Things you might regret saying on a first date”.

TAILSCONJECTURE: I’m starting to think they should just call this game Scenes That’ll Either Disgust You, Creep You Out, or Just Not Be Funny, but that doesn’t roll off the tongue so well. This used to be my favorite Whose Line game but now it’s really lost its allure. Hopefully World’s Worst won’t go the same way if they decide to bring that back. It’s no surprise that the cartoon characters one went on the longest, since if there’s anything these guys know how to do best, it’s overused impersonations from decades-old characters used in an uncomfortable sexual context that will make you question your childhood! And while Aisha’s “weird thing to happen” joke was done with the intention of being charming, it gave me the reaction of “ugh, just say it already so we can get through this game.” And that’s a sure sign that this game will probably never shine in the new series.

JESSPLANATIONS: Oh, hey, as it turns out, the vast majority of cartoon characters are fundamentally unlikely to cameo in an adult movie, due to the rampant public controversy that would ensue, as well as the fact that adult films rarely feature cameos anyway, nor would they usually have the budget necessary for lavish hand-drawn animation! Ha ha! But ignoring the odd suggestion wording, tonight’s hat-scenes are about as we’ve come to expect hat-scenes to be. There’s a hat-scene about sex-having, a scene about gross-out-making, and a scene about gender-politicking that is mostly about sex-having as well. Wayne, for some reason, has devised a scheme to smuggle drugs into Mexico, and Ryan made a joke about using projectile poop as clay pigeons, indoors no less. Just another day at the office. Yaaaawwwwn.

Cock-a-Doodle-Dubbing: Flirtatious fashion photographer Colin is taking picture of supermodel Laila, when her jealous model boyfriend, Ryan, angrily kicks down the door to confront them. Wayne provides Laila’s lovely lady voice.

TAILSCONJECTURE: Colin shows off his wide range of dialects in this game by somehow doing a French AND Italian accent all at the same time! All this game pretty much did was remind me of how much I want a scene with just Colin and Ryan in it, since they played off each other really well in it! It was almost like they didn’t need the guest star there at all! Almost like it would’ve been BETTER without the guest star! The only parts of this that made me laugh were the parts where Colin and Ryan were bantering with each other, and there was a lady in red standing there too, I suppose. Cue Wayne trying to prove that Colin can do something physical and being right, and you’ve got a pretty mediocre game!

JESSPLANATIONS: I’m aware that I’m a real negative Nancy most of the time, so I’d like to make it clear that I actually really liked Ryan knocking politely with his foot and greeting Colin and Laila with a cordial “hi”. But then he has to go and make things awkward for himself with an unintentionally (?) racist joke about hypnotism! Wayne notices but takes it in good humor; Colin and Laila kind of just ignore the whole exchange. Hearing impaired people watching at home saw no ambiguity in the situation whatsoever, because they correctly put quotes around “chicken”. All in all, I think Ryan actually seems the most upset by the situation, once he realizes the implications anyhow. Meanwhile, Colin gets enthusiastic applause for performing the Herculean feat of lifting a female model!

Prop Wars Episode I: The Stanchion Menace: Ryan and Jeff (ironic hot dog neck pillows, for travelling hipsters) politely take turns with Colin and Wayne (the almighty Blue Stanchion Twins, otherworldly horrors of the Sideways Scene room).

TAILSCONJECTURE: I have to give credit where it’s due, this was actually a somewhat decent game of props. They didn’t use the red thingies as nipple rings like I feared would happen, they didn’t make the penis reference right out of the gate, the Geordi LaForge reference was clever, and they managed to cram two Star Wars references in! Though I will give a pro-tip: if your breasts joke is so bad it has to be explained, just pretend they’re chess pieces. Props is still one of the weakest games on the show, if not THE weakest, but I will say that this was the first somewhat enjoyable one since the series premiered. Hopefully if they insist on keeping it in, it’ll continue down this path.

JESSPLANATIONS: Poor poor Elton John, always eating alone. Even though he has a husband. His name is David Furnish; despite the name, he is not an interior designer. He produced Gnomeo and Juliet, so he’s kinda the opposite, really. This round also contains two Star Wars references, two stereotypical pirate impressions, and a joke about a dead person being buried with a naughty body part still sticking out of the dirt (which, of course, implies that some poor asshole had to make the necessary coffin adjustments as well). And a Little Mermaid reference that might’ve been somewhat amusing, had Ryan been willing to do a Jamaican accent for it. Fortunately, the Stanchions’ natural habitat indicates that their sense of humor is, ahem, what some might call “lousy”, so they enjoyed this. “Colin and Wayne can live,” they say. “FOR NOW.”

Greatest Zits: Colin and Ryan sell “Songs of Acne”, as performed by Wayne and Jeff in the styles of mariachi and Les Misérables.

TAILSCONJECTURE: I was actually looking forward to this game appearing again, but this seemed to be a rather disappointing comeback! Not only is it about a subject that made me cringe quite a bit and made listening to the songs quite uncomfortable, but the discomfort was compounded by the fact that Jeff really isn’t all that great a singer. He has his moments on some songs, like if it’s a Rat Pack member, or…yeah, if it’s a Rat Pack member. The Les Miserables song seemed to have no real melody to it, but maybe I’ve just been listening to the soundtracks on repeat a bit too much. I would much prefer to see Gary play this with Wayne, or get Brad or Chip to come back on the show, since they do have decent voices that have durability in different styles, which is…kind of the point.

JESSPLANATIONS: “We’ll be right back to the CW remake of Grumpy Old Men with Justin Timberlake and a fetus in just a second.” Ha ha, because the CW exclusively uses young actors in its programs! What a funny joke from the 55-year-old Colin Mochrie! No, but seriously, can I take this to mean he too is disgruntled with the cavalcade of young nobodies as special guests? Not that his opinion would really matter either way, because he’s still not an executive producer. Oh, and I like how he starts the game by talking about old people getting acne, surely planning to lead into a style, only for Ryan to shut him down with crazy person talk of nuptials and 70s sitcoms. Usually I’d blame something like this on inept, Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza-style editing, but not this time. It’s all filmed in a single shot. So, yeah, Ryan really is a crazy person! But I’ve talked enough about the first 30 seconds of this game. It was nice seeing Greatest Hits back, overall! Not enough Colin this time, though, and too much Jeff. He’s good at doing silly voices to music, but apparently not so much at straight singing. His atonal caterwauling in the “Les Mis Rables” song sadly undermines Wayne, who was really singing his booty off there!

Assisting Fists: Grizzled boxing trainer Ryan is helping Laila prepare for her first big fight, by bombarding her with food and drink. Colin does and and all fisting on Ryan’s behalf.

TAILSCONJECTURE: Laila Ali was basically saying what everybody else was thinking throughout this game – what does this have to do with boxing? This makes no sense! Is pasta honestly something people eat in order to train? Why were the bananas there? Why did Ryan insist on trying to shove it all into his mouth for some reason? For all the times he hates eating/drinking the things in this game, he certainly seems eager to do a lot of it! Laila was actually pretty invested in this game and didn’t just stand there, which was refreshing, and it looks like even her light punch was enough to get Colin’s hand hurting. Speaking of pain, it pains me to say that I’m sort of getting sick of yet another one of my favorite games! It’s like food, you can eat something you absolutely love every day and you might get sick of it if you don’t vary it up enough!

JESSPLANATIONS: Well, it’s finally happened. I’ve finally grown tired of Helping Hands. Something about the way Ryan practically demanded to deepthroat a banana pushed me over the edge. What fun is the game when it’s clear that Ryan himself is electing to do gross things of his own free will just for attention? It wasn’t funny when I saw my classmates do it in fourth grade, and it ain’t funny now! And then there’s Laila. “ERROR. THIS SCENE DOES NOT PERTAIN CLOSELY ENOUGH TO MY FORMER PROFESSION. DOES NOT COMPUTE.” I suppose their decision to throw a robe on her before she even came out just hyped her up for actual boxing THAT MUCH. In the absence of anything truly compelling to grasp onto in this scene, I’m left to ponder what Ryan’s obsession with the number 34 is. He says he’s been in the business for 34 years, and Laila’s record is 34-0 (despite this being her first big fight). Maybe he’s like the dude Jim Carrey played in The Number 23. I never saw that movie, but I assume it turned out bad for him, too.

Credits Rea-Ding-Ding: Wayne, Jeff, Colin, and Ryan are taking boxing lessons from “our gorgeous guest star” Laila.

TAILSCONJECTURE: I love how Wayne gives Laila a really weird look when she actually tries to stop him from what he’s doing! It’s like she’s actually trying to get into her character and be their boxing coach! Jeff decides he wants to get away from Leila’s bossy boxing and goes to the background to do sit-ups. Don’t you know that trying to hide behind everyone during the credits is Ryan’s thing?

JESSPLANATIONS: “You’re delightful to a man!” Oh boy, here we go again! What does this mean, Aisha? Tell us! I seriously think you’re the only person in the history of the omniverse who has used this phrase!! Are you trying to invent a catchphrase here? It’s not working, because people generally prefer catchphrases that make some amount of sense! Perhaps I’m being too harsh here, though. I think we can all agree that Aisha is definitely delightful to a person who says confusing things.

CONCLUDING TAILSCONJECTURE: I wasn’t really sure how to judge this episode until I decided to take a good look at the games used and how they went over, and when one of the better games you have in the episode is Props, you know there’s something wrong here. This episode isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just sort of bland, and the jokes are all either trying to be sexy or disgusting instead of earning humor by their own merit. The guest star did more than just stand there (when she was allowed to do more than just stand there) but she didn’t do anything to actually make herself stand out even then. I like seeing Whose Line back on TV, but I’m coming to grips with the fact that it will never be the same.

FINALICIOUS JESSPLANATIONS: Well, the thing is, this ain’t Whose Line after all. It’s yet another dumbed down version of the Whose Line shtick, just like Trust Us with Your Life or Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza or Drew Carey’s Green Screen Show. I still watch because I guess I still enjoy hanging out with these guys when the opportunity presents itself, no matter the context, but there’s no denying that the producers and the CW have, together, reduced the Whose Line formula to its basest form. Remember that thing I said about shitty message board improv last week? Yeah, that applies to the whole season, actually!

NEXT WEEK ON NEW WHOSE LINE: “Nikita’s Maggie Q takes a bite out of Whose Line!” Get it? Because Nikita is a series about vampires who-- wait, it’s not? Oh. Then what was the “bite” thing about? Oh, I see! It’s because there’s yet another round of Helping Hands wherein Ryan will be made to/will make himself eat something disgusting! Ironically, Maggie Q will probably decline to take a bite. (Oh, and we finally meet the mysterious Nyima Funk.)