New Whose Line! Episode 12: Please Return to Your Low-Rated Grave

Starring Wayne Brady, Nyima Funk, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus Special Guest Star Shawn Johnson, from the greatest commercial in the history of humankind!

(Watch this episode here!)

Hardcore Sex Scenes from a Hat: The guys (and the token lady) act out “If Sesame Street characters appeared on other shows”, “Tattoos that you don’t want to discover on a new partner’s body”, and “The spells Harry Potter tries when he thinks no one is looking”.

TAILSPRESUMPTIONS: I think I’ve officially decided that I love Nyima, since she managed to save this game in more ways than one. She actually made them feel like honest SCENES from a hat! How many other people can say that? She’s like an improv superhero – snatches jokes back from the jaws of failure! Able to leap bad punchlines in a single bound! The Sesame Street scene is particularly interesting, as we learn a little something about all four performers. Nyima shows off a decent Cookie Monster, Wayne does a pretty good Elmo, Colin does an homage to one of my favorite bits ever, and Ryan… I’m beginning to question if he’s ever seen Sesame Street. If it’s possible to miss a show that’s run for 50 years while having three children, then he really IS living under a goddamn rock.

JESSICRITIQUE: Hey, look, the SFAH hat is so empty that you can actually see the bottom when Aisha lets us take a look inside! The only logical conclusion is that AISHA TYLER IS SOME SORT OF CONJURER. Well, if we’re going to make this game a showcase of magic anyway, I say they might as well take the next logical step for hat-based improv illusionism: SCENES TAPED TO THE BACKS OF FLUFFY WHITE BUNNIES. On top of that, Aisha is a top-class impressionist, busting out a spot-on Fran Drescher laugh in response to Ryan’s aggressively lame Big Bird Apprentice joke. Why isn’t she headlining her own show in Vegas yet?? Mocking aside, though, this was actually pretty good (aside from the Harry Potter scene in which Wayne makes the same joke twice), as New Whose Line SFAH goes! In particular, The Mysterious and Enigmatic Nyima Funk does great for her first time out, even saving Wayne’s “long-awaited” rest stop joke. I suppose anyone who earns an enthusiastic, passionate “YES!!!” from him deserves at least an “okay, you’re cool, come back next year” from me, right?

Poops: It’s Wayne and Colin (two of those shitty off-brand lollipops with the loopy sticks) vs. Nyima and Ryan (two big, floppy blunts) in a fight to the death… of comedy.

TAILSPRESUMPTIONS: Sadly, not even Nyima’s influence can save this travesty of a game. She tried her best, but being paired up with Ryan and things that are obviously meant to resemble fecal matter didn’t help the odds much. Not to mention her rather obvious Star Wars misquote. For a minute I thought that the CW was just messing up with its subtitles, but nope! At least it’s easier to understand than whatever the hell Colin and Wayne were attempting to do when sticking their heads in those things. I have no idea what they were trying to accomplish. I know it looks dirty, but… in what way?

JESSICRITIQUE: Why, Jess? Why did you go and get yourself roped into writing about every game this season? What can I even say about this? There’s a joke where Nyima forces us to imagine her with buttcheeks so surrealistically packed with collagen that they just dangle from her body, like a two-tailed cat. (A catsune?) So, um, if your fetish is for girls with tailbutts, this is probably the game for you? How would that even work if she ever wanted to try anal? You’d need, like… some sort of pulley system to hold them up and out of the way, I guess. I probably shouldn’t search Google for buttcheek pulleys, right? Okay, I won’t. Meanwhile, Aisha Tyler is all like, “HEY, GUYS, LOOK AT ME, EARRINGS ARE THE HEIGHT OF SATIRE!!” There. Analysis! Happy?

Magic Matt’s Lameprov-a-Ganza: Flirtatious handyman Colin is painting the apartment of sexy housewife Nyima, whose gangster husband, Wayne, arrives to find the door locked. The styles used include a Harry Potter movie and King Kong.

TAILSPRESUMPTIONS: This was actually better than all of the other Sideways Scenes I’ve seen on this show. Not because of anything explicitly funny the performers did, but because everything seemed to get out of control and unpredictable very fast. With Nyima scooting slowly over to the door not knowing that Wayne’s dropping in, Colin hiding under the bed and suddenly finding Wayne on top of him, and bending and eventually breaking the “props”, this had me laughing just in a sense that I had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I imagine that the performers didn’t either. Though it did drive the unfortunate fact home that a lot of these scenes are being calculated in order to form what feel like very forced running gags.

JESSICRITIQUE: Okay, Dan Patterson and company, I have a bone to pick with you. It seems like every single time you have a woman on the show these days, or even a guy playing a character explicitly designated as female, she’s the obvious villain of the scene because she’s cheating on her man. And it’s never the man who’s bad for cheating, always the woman. Even in Maggie Q’s round of Dubbing, where Ryan played a womanizing senator, Maggie’s character was STILL the only person in the scene actually called out for cheating! It never bothered me back in the day, when I was really into the fandom and believed that every single thing on Whose Line was perfect and wonderful, but now that I’ve stepped back and taken a good hard look at the situation, it’s like...

"...the fuck is wrong with you losers?"

Living Syrupery: Ryan and Colin are frisky newlyweds enjoying the amenities of their luxury RV before exploring Yellowstone National Park, the Pear Capital of the World! Nyima and Shawn Johnson provide the tiny props.

TAILSPRESUMPTIONS: Can it be true? A game of this that actually managed to make me laugh? Miracles DO come true! Ryan really seemed insistent on that whole frisky newlywed thing, and apparently it’s okay for Colin to get too hot for prime time when he’s doing it with a fellow performer and not the guest, which I suppose makes sense. But with a luscious, viscous temptress like Mrs. Butterworth on board, how can things not get a bit frisky? Am I right fellas? After a wild fling with her, you’ll definitely need a shower, now in the fancy London Bridge model. But if you find a sexy honeymoon to be at Yellowstone Park in an RV, you probably don’t have the highest cleanliness standards.

JESSICRITIQUE: Hey, remember the last Living Scenery with tiny, almost inconceivably wholesome Olympic athletes? Remember how Ryan and Colin still felt like they had to make a few token jokes about doing dirty stuff to them even though they clearly had no desire to and never followed through with it? Remember how weird that was? Well, they’re still going to do that every single time, but at least Nyima is here now, and she’s clearly down for just about anything. Including being a popular brand of pancake syrup, apparently! One big laugh is one big laugh more than this game usually gives me, so I feel contented. FUN FACT: If you start typing “is Mrs. Butterworth” into Google, the first suggestion is “is Mrs. Butterworth black”. People really want to know! The race of our imitation maple syrup is important! And now they want to know more than ever, I’m sure, because how else will we know if Ryan is a terrible racist for saying that or not? Well, I can’t speak for Pinnacle Foods Group LLC, but the very first person to portray Mrs. Butterworth in television commercials was white. A white man. Ah, America! Anyway, you can decide for yourselves how offensive that makes it.

Waynest Hits: Colin and Ryan sell Even More Songs of the Plumber, as performed by Wayne in the styles of rockabilly (“Snake It!”) and Hawaiian ukulele music (“My Husband’s Home”).

TAILSPRESUMPTIONS: This is probably my favorite game of the evening, not just because it’s one of my favorite games that hasn’t been tainted by the revival, but because it’s hilarious to see Colin be 3000% done with Ryan’s shit here. And considering that Ryan was telling him rather obviously about it, Colin has every right to be sighing and facepalming the whole game through. It was interesting to see Ryan attempt to be topical and Colin pretty much completely ignoring it to bring back an old joke he made during Remote Control, as well as conjuring up some bizarre scenario in which turkeys can cluck. But of course, the crown jewel of this game is the music, and while the first song was catchy, the second song was actually surprisingly beautiful. From time to time I forget that Wayne really does have a very pleasing and versatile voice, and this is a style I wish they’d break out more often.

JESSICRITIQUE: Here’s a game that tries really, really hard to make a bad first impression! It’s about a topic that has already been done twice on various versions of Whose Line alone, and I generally assume they did one on Improv-a-Ganza too. It doesn’t help that said repeat topic is one that virtually guarantees jokes about poop and/or pee, and sadly I’m not the kind of person to laugh at those words or the fact that I just used them. But, y’know what? Sometimes first impressions can be deceiving! As it turns out, it’s one of the best games of the season, and certainly the best singing one. Wayne has come so far as a performer, and the Hawaiian song gives him a chance to showcase that in a style that Whose Line hasn’t done to death yet, which is obviously nice. And on the other side of the stage, we have a particularly tight version of the modern “Ryan says something dumb and Colin reacts without being given the opportunity to say much” shtick. This was a rocky season, but thank Arceus the last proper game managed to end things on a high note, right? It’s almost enough to make you forget that this is the second game tonight promoting the unfortunate stereotype that all handymen are fucking your wife right now even as we speak! Something something erectus giganticus.

PIECE DE TAILSPRESUMPTIONS: I’m happy that they chose this episode to end the season with, since I feel like it’s one of the better ones. The special guest was downplayed enough to not feel like it was being shoved down our throats like a generic taco, and it had some decent laughs and good games to its credit. It’s incredibly depressing to me when I think of how happy I was when Whose Line was back on the air and how let down about it I am right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy it was revived, since the world doesn’t feel fully in balance to me if these guys aren’t on TV being funny, and there were some good things about it too. There were a few funny games, one or two of the guest stars didn’t feel completely out of place, and Wayne is honestly better and funnier than he ever was on the old version. I just feel bad that he’s finally come into his own when the rest of the show is turning out to be such a big disappointment. I will tune into the second season, since there’s no way I wouldn’t, but I want the show to get a big revamp. Ditch the guest stars, or at least get people who are interesting, or better yet, funny. Have Aisha participate in games. Bring back more of the old cast and let the newer ones actually do something. Bring back more of our favorite games and give them a better rotation. Stop making everything feel so calculated that it feels like the true improv is gone. It’s called Whose Line, so make it feel like Whose Line! We’ll all be better off for the trouble.

ONE MORE EXTRA JESSICRITIQUE: A few months back, I was so excited to hear that Whose Line was returning from the dead, but we’ve seen by now how that optimism has been turned on its head. In an odd way, this episode feels like it was re-edited at some point in an attempt to diffuse the criticism of the special guest gimmick, by including only one game with Shawn Johnson. That, of course, has the problem of making you wonder EVEN HARDER why she’s there, because it feels like such an afterthought. But never mind that. This is one of the best episodes of the season, and while it has most of the same problems as the last eleven, it also has a few moments that remind me of the show I used to like, before the Neenas and the Veenas and the Richard Simmonses of the world took over. Next season, naturally, I hope they lay off the special guests, choose to air a wider variety of games (this season contained ZERO playings of Party Quirks and Hoedown!!), incorporate audience suggestions more, hire more competent editors… you know the deal. I get the feeling that they won’t, but for now this episode gives me reason enough to enjoy the fantasy that they will. Oh, I almost forgot! There’s one other change that they NEED to make…

YES I AM 100% SERIOUS ABOUT THE BUNNY THING I MEAN IT

New Whose Line! Episode 11: Alleged Football League

Starring Wayne Brady, Jonathan Mangum, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus special guests Chloe Butler and Monique Gaxiola, from the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Statistical Area Temptations!

(Watch it here!)

Hollywood Darth-rector: Luke Skywalker (Ryan) and his “faithful android sidekick” C-3PO (Jonathan) are preparing to destroy an enemy force field when Dark Vader (Wayne) speeds in on a hoverbike to attack them. Colin directs, wisely instructing them to redo the scene as used car salesmen and as porno au fromage.

TAILSDISSECTION: It’s really starting to get frightening to consider just how much Ryan has never experienced in his 54 years on the planet! He doesn’t have email, doesn’t use any social networking sites, barely speaks to people on the telephone, and now he doesn’t even know something that ANYBODY should know by pop cultural osmosis! I would say he’s like me and is more of a Trekkie than a Jedi, but it’s clear to anyone by now that he’s faking his way through that too. Ryan’s misquoting is almost as confusing as Wayne’s chagrin at being cast as Darth Vader just because he’s a black guy, when Darth Vader’s voice was provided by a rather famous black guy. But then again, Wayne doesn’t have the best luck when it comes to voices, especially since his Hulk Hogan sounds more like Macho Man Randy Savage with a cold. Ooooh yeeaaahh!

JESSICANALYSIS: Wasn’t the first, or at least one of the first, Hollywood Directors in the UK version about Star Wars? If Whose Line was being cancelled after this season, this would’ve been a great way for things to come full circle. But, alas, they’re making more. What a shame. It’s a pretty good scene, though. Jonathan did great, and I enjoyed the brief glimpse of his C-3PO… though I also have a minor nitpick about the used car salesman style. Why oh why wasn’t Wayne the manager Jonathan consulted, instead of the invisible person? Not that Wayne’s alternate role as a somewhat offensive ethnic stereotype wasn’t a good alternative. Ryan’s dumb guy mix-up was pretty amusing here as well. (CONFESSION TIME: I too have seen neither Star Wars nor Star Trek, though unlike Ryan I have not lived under a rock my entire life, so I can actually differentiate between the two!) As for the cheesy porn, well, I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that this game must always involve “DO IT SEXY!” or something similar. Also, this game must always involve an awkwardly edited ending, because nothing they do after the sexy one matters apparently. SEXY!

Do It: Waynathan sings to Chlonique in the style of the Rolling Stones.

TAILSDISSECTION: Y’know, I’m really starting to wonder if those girls actually know the rules of football. Do they know the AFC from the NFC? Can they name five teams and describe their logos accurately? I think those two are just a couple of fake sports girls who try to dress up all sexy without even bothering to learn about the culture! FAKE SPORTS GIRLS! Though to be fair, Wayne obviously never got picked for football either, considering how he couldn’t catch a ball that was rather gently thrown at him from a close distance, and how he fell like a sack of potatoes from a rather light push. Jonathan kept his face scrunched up for most of the game in a vain attempt to do a Keith Richards impression, and he succeeded… if Keith Richards was incredibly constipated and not strung out on six decades worth of drugs. It’s almost like getting cheap eye candy as “special guest stars” doesn’t really make for good comedy! Go figure!

JESSICANALYSIS: Okay, so, I’m not necessarily against the idea of women playing sports in sexy lingerie. The way it’s marketed is definitely icky but, y’know, do whatever you want wearing whatever you want, nobody has any right to tell you different. The thing I really have a problem with are the way that nobody put any thoughts into how to incorporate those shoulderpads into the rest of their uniforms organically. They’re wearing a bra and panties and then these comically oversized shoulderpads! What the fuck, man? As you might’ve expected, they’re really awkward special guests, too. They do that thing that all special guests on Whose Line with physical claims to fame do, where they try to do a little routine demonstrating their talent, but they just come across looking like a normal average Joe (or Joanna) badly miming that thing, despite ostensibly being a quasi-notable professional at it! To their credit, Wayne and Jonathan didn’t contribute to the sheer awkwardness of this round, at least. If you can ignore the left half of the screen, their song is actually pretty fun, even if Jonathan’s Keith Richards seems to have perpetually just been kicked in the rolling stones.

(W)hat’s in the Bag: Captain Kirk (Ryan) and Spock (Colin) have beamed down to a planet’s surface, where they capture and examine a distressed (and neurotic) alien lifeform, Wayne. The exciting assortment of items in Suzanne and Rosie’s bags include a lovely white hat, empty water bottles, a fat sack of pistachios, and a highly suspicious sponge.

TAILSDISSECTION: Dammit Jim, if you’re gonna do a Star Trek scene in a game that revolves primarily around doctors, why didn’t you include the character who’s an actual doctor! You didn’t even pack an honest-to-god tricorder in those bags of yours! At least Ryan knows enough about Star Trek to know who William Shatner is, but not much of anything else about the series. Colin pretty much completely gives up on being Spock, but I think not being assigned the role of Scotty for once threw him off-guard. The purses also didn’t give them very much to work with. Well, less than usual, anyway. This game needs a bit of an overhaul, like maybe if they actually started making their own purses with harder things to just explain away or repeat the same jokes about? But then again, they really have forgotten that this is an improv show, it seems. Can’t make things TOO hard for the improv veterans and one less experienced guy. Sigh.

JESSICANALYSIS: Omigod, it’s a What’s in the Bag scene that isn’t about doctors! Except, in practice, it is. Ryan commits to his Shatner impression for all of one line before he’s the same doctor character he always in this game, slicing people open with the power of the sun all willy-nilly. I admit to being a little puzzled by the given scene, too. Did they seriously plan on including both a Star Wars and a Star Trek game in this taping from the outset, which is both terrible editing as well as a remarkable coincidence given Ryan’s mix-up? Or did the powers-that-be decide on a whim to ditch the scenario they originally had planned for this game specifically so they could make fun of Ryan? It really feels like the latter, but I really hope it’s not. I know the style for the credits is decided during the show because it’s often a reference to something, but I always assumed that every single other game with pre-prepared suggestions didn’t tamper with them after they started taping, because girls are naïve. I feel deflated, somehow. The fact that this scene involves the ridiculousness of Woody Allen Matthew Broderick as a sickly alien helps boost my spirits a bit, though. Similarly, Suzanne and Rosie may have been made fun of on national television, but at least they now have a one-of-a-kind photo of Colin teabagging Wayne.

Tired Premises from a Hat: Waynathan and Rylin are required, for some reason, to stand on opposite ends of the stage in order to act out: “Songs that celebrate divorce”, “If dogs went to therapy”, and “Conventions you don’t want to be invited to”.

TAILSDISSECTION: I was surprised to see how well this game started out. SFAH is normally my favorite Whose Line game, but I have my expectations set pretty low for the reboot. But this actually made me laugh quite a bit! They had good suggestion after good suggestion… and then they got to the convention suggestion and they went back to sucking. But the first two were good! This doesn’t exactly please me, however, since it feels like the quality of the games and even the performers have gotten so low that even the slightest deviation from boring is enough to get me excited. I’m trying not to be jaded, I really am.

JESSICANALYSIS: Do you suppose the CW put off airing the Colin and Brad special last week simply so Colin’s joke here about doing mouth-to-mouth and getting lost wouldn’t air so close to the Two Man Group one where he does exactly that, to a duck? The answer: no, of course not, the CW does not give a shit about this show being incredibly repetitive, it was stupid of you to ask, etc. Anyway, this is one of the better Sceneses from a Hat of the season, at least for the first two suggestions, and I’d like to specifically commend Jonathan on being utterly adorable as an excited dog. (But what the fuck do you mean if dogs went to therapy?) The third hat-scene is, of course, where the jokes about butts and wee penises go, and then there’s Ryan’s joke about the Republican National Convention, which is funny but a little odd. Ryan has never really been a political comic, but he’s suddenly had Republicans (and more specifically Mitt Romney) on his mind all season. Was this some sort of personal bugbear for him at the time, even though it was a few months after the election? Or did he just discover (possibly by way of Greg Proops) that saying “Republicans, am I right people?” is a surefire way to make audiences in LA cheer without requiring any actual effort at all?

Alarming Scenery: Ryan and Colin are firefighters asleep in their station when they get a call that a fire has broken out in a department store. Chloe and Monique have absolutely no problem with being regarded as objects.

TAILSDISSECTION: Let’s face it; you could all see this game coming a mile away. Ryan and Colin spend a whole game acting like creepy old men while stubbornly trying not to be creepy old men, and the girls do bizarre shit while showing off as much of themselves as possible. It’s getting so overdone that I’m almost wishing Ryan and Colin WOULD start copping feels just so something different can happen! It’s very bad when I’m wanting people to violate other people’s space just for entertainment, and it’s also bad when this game is starting to make me roll my eyes at any attractive or provocatively dressed woman that comes on this show! That’s a big sign that this game really needs to stop being played, or at least needs a giant revamp.

JESSICANALYSIS: Y’know how they ALWAYS dress Ryan and Colin in untucked dress shirts that are extra-long in front? It didn’t occur to me until this episode that maybe they do that so you wouldn’t be able to see if, um, shall we say, either of them became particularly excited by a round of Living Scenery. I…… really wish this hadn’t occurred to me. Oh god. God. NO. C’mon, Jess, try to distract yourself from that. Try to think of something you actually enjoyed about this game. Um. Well. There’s really only one thing that amused me, and that’s the way the powers-that-be made Chloe and Monique carry their helmets out, only so they’d have to immediately set them down on the side of the stage to get them out of the way. This season is pretty goddamn stupid, is what I’m saying, and you have to be able to laugh at it or you’ll go insane. (Alternately, I could stop watching, but that sounds like too much effort.)

TERMINUS TAILSDISSECTION: Remember when I was actually excited about Whose Line being on TV? Remember when I was still optimistic about the games and the styles and how it was all new and exciting and something I haven’t seen in awhile? Yeah, me neither. I think my honeymoon period with the reboot ended a few episodes ago, and there’s only one more episode left for this season. This episode had a few laughs in it, but it was mostly overshadowed by my annoyance with their choice of special guest and repetition of games that didn’t include the guest. Hopefully the next episode will leave this season going out with a high note instead of with a bad taste in my mouth.

CONCLUSIVE JESSICANALYSIS: Each of the non-special-guest games tonight has at least one fairly funny thing going for it, so of course they had to make the special guest games even sadder to compensate. The worst thing, though, is that I know that most of the people who will agree with me about not enjoying Chlonique’s guest spot will do so for reprehensible reasons. “They’re wearing skimpy clothes,” those people will say, “and therefore they are bad sluts.” (These people rarely have a way with words.) And, y’know what? That is BULLSHIT. Who gives a fuck what or how much they’re wearing? How does that make Chloe or Monique any less of a person? No, they’re only bad special guests because they don’t know the first thing about improv, so they’re a really awkward fit (and the fact that everyone is actively encouraged to objectify them doesn’t help). If you find a girl who CAN improvise - like Heather Anne Campbell or The Mysterious and Enigmatic Nyima Funk for instance! - then she can go ahead and improvise while wearing whatever she goddamn pleases. She can do it wearing weird lingerie with mismatched football shoulderpads. She can do it wearing ten sweaters and twelve pairs of snowpants. She can do it wearing nothing. She can do it wearing a fucking chicken suit for all I care! It doesn’t matter!

NEXT WEEK ON WHOSE LINE: In the exciting and dramatic SEASON FINALE - so important is this episode that the CW won’t even upload a promo for it to their website lest they spoil even a minute of this high-octane thrill ride - Nyima Funk gets to play one, maybe two games before being shuffled into the background in favor of special guest Shawn Johnson! (SPOILER ALERT: Despite being named Shawn, she is a lady and doesn’t actually have a Johnson at all.)

Colin and Brad: Two Man Group

Hello, loyal and not-so-loyal readers! At one point, the CW was considering airing a truncated version of this special last week, in New Whose Line's timeslot… and then they decided to shove that off for sometime in the fall. Anyway, we found out it was actually on Netflix, and New Whose Line was a repeat last week, so why not watch it now regardless, we thought! This review contains SPOILERS, so consider yourself warned.

Bodies Moving Bodies: Somewhere in Belgium, Colin and Brad set out to find a last-minute attic chicken for Poultry Day, only to find it crawling with gross icky spiders. Big Joe moves Colin and Considerably Smaller Amy moves Brad.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: I was actually pleasantly surprised to see that Colin managed to make the game instructions entertaining! It didn’t feel like it was slowing the show down as it normally did, so I’m honestly not sure why we don’t just make Colin the host of Whose Line. It would be a good way to make up for his lack of Executive Producer credit! Poor Amy looks so lost as Brad goes off-stage, even when her husband nudges her and goes, “Uh, I think he’s waiting on you.” The couple does do pretty well at this game, especially Joe, who makes sure to show Colin’s relief after he no longer has to crush his testicles! Though I was wondering his intentions when he tried to actually “lift” Colin into the attic! Normally I don’t like this game, but Colin and Brad managed to make it go smoothly, and we managed to get some talented movers, so I was happy to see it here!

JESSICALIZATIONS: I’ve noticed that audience members seem much more comfortable playing this game in a theater venue than in a television studio. On Whose Line and its ilk, the audience members just stood around and giggled and clearly did not pay attention to the scene or even really understand how the game was supposed to work. Here, and in the Colin and Brad and Night of Improv shows I’ve seen live, it’s very much the opposite. Could it be that being surrounded by television cameras makes people nervous? The cameras they used to film this were probably smaller and crappier and not the least bit intimidating to all but the faintest of heart. Ahem. Anyway, Joe is good at this! I appreciate that he let Amy know she was supposed to move Brad’s head, thus preventing a Ryan-esque overlong “I want to look but I can’t” gag. Thank you SO MUCH for that, Joe. If only it had been in his power to stop the “touch him here if you want him to go home with you” routine as well!

Super Audience Sound Effects DX+: Colin and Brad try not to run afoul of bears and/or alcohol withdrawal on a thrilling whitewater rafting expedition. Rather husky Packers fan Jeff provides Colin’s sound effects, whereas Brad’s sound effects are provided by AN ENTIRE ROW OF PEOPLE HOLY SHIT.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: I also normally dislike this game heartily, but it was saved by Colin and Brad’s special touches. I’ve never seen the sound effects done in the audience like that before but it made things much more enjoyable! And the one Colin brought on stage was enthusiastic, which is always a plus. The duck rifle made me laugh a lot more than it should have, since I’ve been known to accidentally do a duck voice when practicing my gunshot sounds. (…I like to practice for this game just in case, SHUT UP.) I also have to give props to the guy who did the “Ahooga” noise, since if I were given something I wasn’t sure how to effect, I’d just go for something unexpected too. Biggest laugh in this game is when Colin gives the duck CPR and they both just sort of look like they have no idea how they got to this point. If all Sound Effects games were played like this I would have no problem with them.

JESSICALIZATIONS: A duck? That’s WACKY. Continuing the “differences between live improv and Whose Line” theme, I like that Colin goes out of his way to ask for someone who actually wants to do this and thinks that he or she is competent at it. It’s as though their show is actually trying to be enjoyable for audience participants, instead of deeply humiliating! And so, in that vein, there’s the microphone-passing thing, giving a lot more people a chance to play just a smidgen of Sound Effects. It’s been a whopping eight years since the Colin and Brad show I saw, so this gimmick is new to me… and I like it! The highlight was probably the ginger kid, whose duck-fired-out-of-a-rifle sound is pretty much the best thing ever, and my affection for it is only partly ironic, I assure you. The lady who giggles awkwardly and then makes us wait too long for a plainly enunciated “urp” is also pretty great, though burping contests in general are up there with megaphones on my list of Sound Effects Tropes that Need to DIE DIE DIE. Another colossal disappointment: despite the tantalizing mention of Colin wearing tap shoes, Brad doesn’t even try to goad Colin into dancing. :(

Wine-Stained Scene: Brad confronts his neighbor, Colin, whose dog has been pooping on his lawn, in the style of a kung-fu soap opera… for some reason.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: I think it’s safe to say that any game I don’t like should just be played by Colin and Brad, since they always manage to do it a million times better. The tacky 1970s wallpaper really makes this scene, and it proves just how much the styles just sort of make everything worse. Just the two they had going from the audience was perfect and it didn’t make the scene feel bogged down! The physical feats in this game are good, but it’s also not just that, there’s plenty of comedy to carry it. Another impressive feat is how Brad somehow managed to not kick over the wine bottle, which made me doubt that it was real and just a part of the wall until proven otherwise. And we all know that every good discussion ends with wine on the wall and all over each other. And the laughter born of pain from accidentally pulling a door on top of yourself. A very refreshing Sideways Scene after all the stanchion-possessed ones on the new series.

JESSICALIZATIONS: My sole Colin and Brad show was in 2005, before they introduced Sideways Scene to the game rotation, so this is actually the first time I’ve seen their version. I actually found it kinda funny! Then again, I found the Trust Us F&TS-lite version funny the first time, too. The second time I saw the Colin and Brad version of this game, I’d surely complain about the windowsill wine thing, which I gather they use every goddamn time, and of course the “kung-fu soap opera” business is just as transparent as any of the genres used in the other version… but for this moment in time, I’m actually a little happy that I got to watch a Sideways Scene. How rad is that? The way the window surrealistically floats halfway off the wall into the inky black void is just icing on the cake.

We Are the Love Doctor (Whoa!): One word at a time, Colin and Brad answer audience questions about relationships, love, sex, romance, or none of those things.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: I think I’ve seen this game played before, and I like it! It’s a good rapid-fire improv game with audience suggestions, and it helps that the dirtiness is really coming straight from the audience themselves for once. I thought that the first guy with the mullet surprisingly had the deepest question of them all, and he seemed satisfied with the answer! Much less satisfied than Colin was at Brad getting all the good spaces during the baldness question! Also, the lesbian couple who asked the question about third parties was really cute. If you’re reading this, ladies, don’t be a stranger. Rawr.

JESSICALIZATIONS: Finally, a game where Colin and Brad are actually at the mercy of audience suggestions (at least in theory)! I really like that! Granted, there are some questions that audiences will almost always ask. I bet they get the one about coming out of the closet a lot, because gay people are ridiculous, and the “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck” thing is probably one of the go-to questions for the requisite wiseass in the audience. And I guess it’s natural that Colin and Brad would eventually settle on their favorite answers to repeat questions. Unlike other repeat material from their show, though, I don’t really blame this. You want new answers, audience people? Then ask them new questions! As for this specific playing, well, I really appreciate The Love Doctor’s explicit endorsement of threesomes (and also, the simple factual observation that Three’s Company is NOT fun).

Jeopardubbing!: Colin hosts, because he is a Canadian person. Groovy-belted Jennifer (voiced by Brad) is contestant #1, part-time martial arts instructor/full-time exotic dancer Josepus Pescatore. Brad is contestant #2, average Russian citizen Grabsac Turnankoph. Shirt-tucker Mike (voiced by Colin) is contestant #3, “alphabet interpreter” Reginald van Dussenhoff.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: It’s amazing how much the lack of ‘celebrity’ in a title can benefit a game! Plus it actually managed to make me like dubbing, provided Brad can always be one of the ones playing. I choked on my room-temperature pink lemonade as soon as I heard Brad’s ‘cigarette hag’ voice for Jennifer, and she seemed to be rather tickled by it as well. The audience members were great sports and the jokes were quick and witty. However, despite the jokes being funny, I really don’t need you to tell me what the puns are referring to, Netflix subtitles. Why do you think I wouldn’t have made all of these myself?

JESSICALIZATIONS: The rules for the Colin and Brad version of Improv Jeopardy sound really confusing on paper, but it’s actually fairly intuitive once you get started. The most confusing thing is the use of cards with pre-established categories on them, which doesn’t seem strictly necessary for any particular reason! If they’re gonna do that, they should at least take the really obvious ones out of there, like the outer space one. Is there a chance of an American audience responding with anything other than “URANUS!!!”, all in unison? Of course not! Regardless, Colin and Brad put on a tight show here, and I’d argue that it works better than the Whose Live version, largely because Colin and Brad are just plain punnier. (This also trumps the Improv-a-Ganza version, which included Colin and Brad sometimes, by allowing Alex Trebek’s extremely filthy name to go COMPLETELY UNBLEEPED.) By the way, of all the Whose Line-related men who routinely play women, Brad is probably my favorite, because nobody goes for the voice nearly as hard as he does. His decision to voice Jennifer as Clamantha on semi-successful behavioral medications is truly a sight to behold!

Non-Alphabet Interpreter: Brad interviews Kevin, a mall law enforcement officer, with Colin providing a physical interpretation “for the hearing impaired”.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: It might just be me, but I’m starting to think these games were filmed out of order. Since didn’t they do a Victoria’s Secret underwear joke in one of the games before this? Or maybe this was him trying to call back to that after he realized the mall cop wasn’t going to give him much to work with. This is probably the only weak audience participation game we have so far, since he seems unsure of what to do now that they’ve called him up there, and seeing Colin do fake sign interpretations can only go so far in way of comedy. Though Colin is correct, most of us mall cops/security guards are indeed on drugs. That makes the segways even more fun!

JESSICALIZATIONS: Really, Tails? I actually like this game! In fact, I wonder if Colin and/or Brad bothered to pitch this for Trust Us, because if there’s any game that could incorporate a celebrity life story without it feeling horribly out of place, this would be it. And I’d argue that this playing actually benefited from having a relatively boring profession, in the same way that the rather similar old version of Sound Effects was often better when the scene started out mundane before spiraling into insanity. Actually, the thing that got on my nerves was Brad’s meddling in the interview to force it to be about sexy ladies’ sexy underwear! I love panties and bras as much as the next person, but not every job can directly involve them, okay? By the way, just so we’re clear, this game about sensitively providing an interpretation for the hearing impaired appears in the same show as Sound Effects. Think about that for a second.

The Mildly Unpleasant Game: Colin begs Brad to cover his shift at a coal mine so he can spend his anniversary with his wife. Emma from the audience instructs them to continue the scene in the styles of Questions Only, If You Know What I Mean, and Letter Substitution (replacing S with K).

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: This game wasn’t necessarily bad, but I would feel sort of cheated if I were picked for it. I don’t see why they couldn’t have had just some automated creepy voice off-stage telling them to switch games – actually, scratch that, maybe this way is better. But still, I wonder if the girl wishes she could've had more to do with her one chance to be in the show. At least she got a prime seat for the game! The games themselves were well done, with Letter Substitution even managing to hold up despite its length…if you know what I mean.

JESSICALIZATIONS: Silly Brad, this isn’t actually a game you played on Whose Line! It’s a list of other games you played on Whose Line! Everyone remembers the popular and beloved Whose Line game that was called Letter Substitution on Whose Line, right? Now, I’ve heard that they usually use five game-styles for The Torture Game, if one were to actually go see them live. If that’s true, I certainly hope they’re shorter than Five-Minute Letter Substitution is here! As for If You Know What I Mean, well, it sounds really robotic the way they actually say “if you know what I mean” after every sentence, doesn’t it? On Whose Line, they would at least mix things up occasionally with phrases like “if you catch my drift” or “if you understand the double-meaning of the sentence I just said, which is about fucking, just to be clear”. (Okay, they may not have used that last one.) On the whole, this was kinda fun to see, but I don’t understand the name “The Torture Game”. Colin, who historically has struggled at some of these games, does okay for himself, and Brad seems to enjoy all three of them far more than any human being should. Maybe they mean it’s torture for Emma, who was surely hoping for a better audience participation role. This one blows!

Mousetrapsweeper: Colin confronts Brad over the theft of his mail, in the style of opera, starting on Q.

TAILSVIEWPOINTS: This game we’ve all heard of, naturally. Something I’ve noticed in larger shows with more than these two is that it’s just them trying to maneuver their way around mousetraps and have it be a game where we cringe and laugh out of reflex because they’re hurting themselves for our amusement, but here they actually have styles and a specific game in mind while they’re doing this insanity. I really enjoyed this playing of the game for that reason, because the alphabetic opera was a good way to distract from the fact that they might lose appendages if they aren’t careful. And it’s nice to see them play dirty and try to circumcise each other too.

JESSICALIZATIONS: This seems to be Colin and Brad’s most famous game, because excitable audience folk start shouting out its name as soon as Brad makes the most basic of allusions to it! And yes, it’s very funny the first time you see it, maybe even the first two times. I saw this at my Colin and Brad show in 2005, and this was very familiar. Sure, the genre thing is new, but it doesn’t matter much when Colin can barely be bothered to pay attention to the dialogue in the first place. And there’s the oddly named Chamber of Doom, which is inconsequential at best as an addition to the actual game, but it sure makes for a great visual gag, doesn’t it? It’s nice that they’ve tried to spice things up, but the fact remains that my own live Mousetraps experience eight years prior also involved Colin making a Mochrie of the rules by removing his blindfold (I think they used less pants-shittingly terrifying ones back then) and throwing traps directly at Brad, who steadfastly pretends he can’t hear the entire audience telling him that Colin did this.

PENULTIMATE TAILSVIEWPOINTS: I thought this was a hilarious special with a lot of high points, and the low points aren’t even really low enough to mention. Colin and Brad play off each other remarkably well, and both of them are improv veterans in their own right. I found myself laughing hard and often, which is exactly what I expect from Whose Line and its performers. The only real negative impact of watching this special is it made me realize just how much the new Whose Line isn’t living up to my expectations, and how much I miss basic things like audience suggestions. The special itself is wonderful, and I highly recommend you check it out or go see Colin and Brad if they come to your town.

SWEEPING JESSICALIZATIONS: Would I recommend checking out this special? Yes, certainly, it’s at least worth a rental or a Netflicking if you liked Colin and/or Brad on Whose Line - and I think we could agree that they were among the more likable individuals to appear on that show. (Bear in mind, of course, that this is a bare-bones low-budget direct-to-DVD comedy special without special features, so it’s hard to recommend actually buying the thing unless you’re fairly hardcore in your Whose Line and Whose Line-related people fandom… which I am, despite my negativity, I swear!) Would I recommend catching An Evening with Colin and Brad live? Also yes, certainly! They seem to put on a consistently tight show, and even if they have a weaker than usual night in your city, the magic of live improv still makes it feel impressive at the time. Would I recommend doing both of those things? Only if you’re willing and able to accept the truth that An Evening with Colin and Brad is a semi-improvised stage show wherein audience suggestions are deftly interwoven with a somewhat smallish variety of fallback gags that they rely on to ensure a consistently entertaining experience for the average first-time attendee, since this is after all far more expensive than catching a local improv troupe! (Now, since Whose Line is completely free to us, they have much less of an excuse for repetition…)

New Whose Line! Episode 10: Meat Maggie Q!

Starring Wayne Brady, Nyima Funk, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus special guest Maggie Q, from Balls of Fury!

(Watch it here!)

Not-Very-Good Director: Batman (Ryan) and Catwoman (Nyima) must use every gadget that they have to escape a room in which spiked walls are closing in on them, likely the handiwork of the nefarious Joker (Wayne), who arrives on his jetpack to taunt them, I assume. Colin directs, instructing them to replay the scene as high-energy game show hosts, like they’re in a hip-hop video, and as if they’re magnetically attracted to everything.

TAILSCOGITATION: Aaaand mark! It only took 10 episodes for them to make a Drew reference! This show is being much more timely than Drew’s version, which took about 200 episodes to make a reference to Clive Anderson. I really like the new girl so far, she’s quick, she’s clever, and she does a good Eartha Kitt. Ryan is obviously doing his best bland George Clooney Batman, and Wayne is doing… I’m not sure what Wayne was trying to achieve. But that’s usually the case in any game I see him in. Also, Gerbil Girl’s special power is fitting those monstrous water bottles inside her, apparently! That’s sort of impressive!

JESSICAWORDS: At last, I get to meet the final fourth-seater for this season! My first impression is also that Nyima’s Eartha Kittwoman impression is actually pretty good. Female impressionists are a rarity on Whose Line, so it’ll be interesting to have her around… assuming she’s not a one-trick pony like Jeff Davis. My more negative second impression, though, is that Nyima (no, spellcheck, I do NOT mean Maiman, what the fuck?) has an unfortunate knack for making things cringeworthily awkward, including the fatal mistake of making everybody think about Ryan’s old man penis. In fact, everyone seemed a little off here: somehow Wayne avoids having to do anything musical in the hip-hop video style, and Colin seems to be deliberately playing a version of his usual director without any catchphrases or people skills of any sort. That being said, I also appreciated the oblique reference to Drew. It’s reassuring to know that, even now that he’s at a healthy weight and somehow looks younger than he did when he hosted Whose Line, it’s still regarded as deeply insulting to be compared to him!

Thoughtdubbing: Maggie is a heavily armed assassin trying to seduce and kill Ryan, a womanizing senator, in a swanky hotel room, when Maggie’s former lover, Wayne, arrives with plans to kill them both. Colin translates Maggie’s mime routine for the benefit of the visually impaired.

TAILSCOGITATION: You know you have a star guest of the highest caliber when they start corpsing within the first joke. I think I might’ve misjudged the other stars or took their ability to keep straight faces for granted. True, they sometimes giggled or cracked a big grin, but that was just to show they were having a good time. They didn’t completely double over in laughter right out of the gate. Maggie clearly can’t be the greatest spy in the world; all we have to do is have Ryan bombard her with jokes until she agrees to tell us all her secrets! And she’s also one of the worst players we’ve had in this game! How hard can it be to just make sure your lips are moving when Colin is speaking? It’s a good thing we got the first Ryan and Wayne kiss ever or there’s no way this game would be in any way memorable.

JESSICAWORDS: Why does Maggie’s character even need to seduce Ryan in the first place? She’s already got him alone in a hotel room with no way to defend himself! If she was trying to extract information from him, sure, fuck the dude’s brains out, but if her only goal is to kill him, any assassin worth her salt should be able to get the job done in this scenario without having to consult her vagina. Ergo, the humping is solely for her enjoyment, not work. Wayne is perhaps justified in his jealousy, is what I’m saying, if rather misguided with the double murder thing. Then again, it’s clear that this character is just like Maggie Q herself: a heartless seductress who loves toying with the fragile hearts of men almost as much as she loves the color black. Her first target: Colin Mochrie. He’s not hurt for long, though, because he’s adorably irresistible to black people. But who will be her next target—and will they be as lucky?

Ewwwwsflash: Nyima and Ryan are lazy news people who are incapable of getting off of their stools, so they rely on Colin to go outside and report in front of footage of a snake eating a large white rat, and unrelated footage of a tarantula just chillin'.

TAILSCOGITATION: They might as well just change the name of this game to “Let’s Freak the Hell Out of the Audience”. They’re pretty much making this a cringe/gross out game and it’s making the game lose its appeal for me. What made this game good in the first place was putting something funny or wacky behind Colin, so the audience could be laughing and having a good time, and while they occasionally did freaky stuff (key word being occasionally) it was still quirky enough to get laughs. Now it’s just going for cheap shock value that doesn’t make you come away from it going, “That was a good game!” It’s more of a “thank god that’s over”, and we care less and less if Colin actually gets it right or not. Although I will say that Nyima is a good clue giver, so points to her for that.

JESSICAWORDS: I’m now fairly certain that the guy who picked the footage for Newsflash this season is a serial killer. I wonder what delightful footage they used for the playings they didn’t air! Grizzly bear attacks? Chainsaw juggling bloopers? Puppies who just caught their spouses cheating? I hope someone turns this dude in before he inevitably has Colin report in front of grainy footage of military executions! I mean holy shit this is getting dark for a lighthearted improv show! Even Ryan points out that this is a real downer compared to “the Wayne thing”, which makes you wonder why it was in the episode at all… so now I’m suspicious of every single one of the editing people I called out two weeks ago too! But, oh well, I guess we can all put this behind us. It’s not like there were any hardcore vegans in the studio who might find this to be especially cruel or anything. We really dodged a bullet there!

What’s in Dr. Bag, PhD?: Wayne is a teenager who wants to join the Army, but not before military doctors Colin and Ryan test his physical and mental fitness. The items in the bags included such exciting things as jackets, makeup, cotton swabs, perfume/mace, nuts, and wallets with MONEY and A DRIVER’S LICENSE.

TAILSCOGITATION: Oh wow! I wonder what kind of scene we’re going to be getting this time! I hope they’re doctors! Because y’know, doctors carry around bags! I know I’ve always seen my doctor carrying a bag! They’re just total bag people! It’s eponymous with the profession! *gasp* They ARE doctors?! And they’re treating someone?! And it’s Wayne AGAIN?! CALLOO CALLAY! Oh, wait! Wait! Colin and Ryan both do the same jokes that they did in the other games?! Be still my heart! If it weren’t for Ryan macing himself accidentally, this wouldn’t have gotten any reaction out of me at all.

JESSICAWORDS: First things first, I’m gonna have to call Colin out for not one but two recycled wallet-related jokes in a row! Not to overanalyze a bad joke or anything, but why is the “looks like dinner’s on me” gag even supposed to be funny? Because that audience member… has a lot of money on her personage? Take that, lady who manages her money well enough to have disposable income at this specific point in time! I’ll admit that I usually derive at least a little enjoyment from seeing Ryan writhe around in agony for laughs, though. And even a cynical bitch like me can appreciate the sheer joy that the audiencefolk seem to experience when Colin and Ryan riffle through their things. “Ohmigod, did you see that?? They ate one of my mixed nuts! MY mixed nuts!! On NATIONAL TELEVISION!!”

Irish My Hands Would Be More Helpful: Ryan is an enthusiastic Irishman working for the Irish tourist board trying to persuade potential tourist Maggie to come to Ireland, by offering her a variety of unappealing Irish foods. Colin provides Ryan’s Irishmanly hands.

TAILSCOGITATION: Now, I would say that this game might be a bit culturally insensitive, but we all know that the Irish don’t count when you need an ethnicity for cheap laughs, so it’s okay. Something I didn’t know upon entering this game is that Maggie is a vegan, which would explain why she was somewhat disgusted by the things on the table. However, even the pea mush was too displeasing for her palate to handle! I will give her credit for actually trying it, though. It’s difficult to make a game where we only watch Ryan get drunk and make funny faces interesting, and… this was no different, really.

JESSICAWORDS: Everyone knew Ryan was gonna get hammered eventually, so why not just jam the bottle in his mouth literally as soon as the round begins! Because, y’know, Ireland. Okay, what next? Well, personally, I would’ve loved to see Ryan and Colin perform a jig with that violin, but I suppose that had to be edited out to fit in all the icky food jokes. As an avid pea lover, I don’t understand why both Ryan and Maggie act like they’re the most disgusting thing ever. Split peas are still peas, and peas kick ass! On the plus side, we were wrong last week: Maggie did, in fact, take a bite. She bravely gulped that pea down like it was an insignificant lab rat! Ryan came to realize that Maggie, against all odds, still had some small amount of goodwill left for the show, and so he sought to crush it forever by smothering his soda bread with the flesh of the noble cow, hellishly stewed in a murderous liquid stock with traitorous vegetables. (You can tell I’m officially sick of Helping Hands as a game, because I’m making up weird shit like this now.)

SUPREME TAILSCOGITATION: This episode didn’t really get a rise out of me, other than some rare giggles here and there. Whose Line is constantly dipping into the darker side of bland, as well as throwing some dark stuff in there to gross out and shock the audience. I didn’t enjoy the guest star (all guest stars are bad until proven competent on this show), I’m sick of the game choices, and I’m coming off of games uncomfortable more often than I should be. And if my thoughts sound similar to thoughts I’ve given on previous episodes, that’s because they are. I hope this show gets a massive overhaul for its second season, or I fear it’s doomed for good.

FAMOUS LAST JESSICAWORDS: This episode starts out well enough with an ably acted Hollywood Director, but the combination of Maggie’s sub-audience-member ability to keep her shit together and Satan’s Newsflash put a bad taste in my mouth from which even a brilliant episode couldn’t recover. And I can’t even judge Nyima yet, because she was treated in the same fashion that American Whose Line treats all female performers. And, as if this episode wasn’t already enough of a bummer, Aisha saw fit to wear her grandmother’s nicest shower curtain tonight. *sigh*

NEXT WEEK ON WHOSE LINE: Repeats, apparently. They were originally going to air Colin and Brad: Two Man Group as a special, but now they’re doing that in autumn I guess, and they didn’t move the last two episodes back a week, for whatever reason. So, yeah. Repeats. Because the one repeat a week wasn’t enough.

THE WEEK AFTER THAT ON WHOSE LINE: Sexually exciting football players for old men to objectify, with their penises!

New Whose Line! Episode 9: Wanna See Her Box?

Starring Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus Special Guest Laila Ali, known for felling such legitimate competitors as John Ratzenberger and Billy Ray Cyrus in season four of Dancing with the Stars!
(Watch it here!)

Unsavory Un-Scenes from un Chapeau: Wayne and Jeff stand on one side of the stage and Colin and Ryan stand on the other, because how else could they act out: “Unlikely cartoon characters to cameo in an adult movie”, “Weird things to happen… at a doctor’s exam”, and “Things you might regret saying on a first date”.

TAILSCONJECTURE: I’m starting to think they should just call this game Scenes That’ll Either Disgust You, Creep You Out, or Just Not Be Funny, but that doesn’t roll off the tongue so well. This used to be my favorite Whose Line game but now it’s really lost its allure. Hopefully World’s Worst won’t go the same way if they decide to bring that back. It’s no surprise that the cartoon characters one went on the longest, since if there’s anything these guys know how to do best, it’s overused impersonations from decades-old characters used in an uncomfortable sexual context that will make you question your childhood! And while Aisha’s “weird thing to happen” joke was done with the intention of being charming, it gave me the reaction of “ugh, just say it already so we can get through this game.” And that’s a sure sign that this game will probably never shine in the new series.

JESSPLANATIONS: Oh, hey, as it turns out, the vast majority of cartoon characters are fundamentally unlikely to cameo in an adult movie, due to the rampant public controversy that would ensue, as well as the fact that adult films rarely feature cameos anyway, nor would they usually have the budget necessary for lavish hand-drawn animation! Ha ha! But ignoring the odd suggestion wording, tonight’s hat-scenes are about as we’ve come to expect hat-scenes to be. There’s a hat-scene about sex-having, a scene about gross-out-making, and a scene about gender-politicking that is mostly about sex-having as well. Wayne, for some reason, has devised a scheme to smuggle drugs into Mexico, and Ryan made a joke about using projectile poop as clay pigeons, indoors no less. Just another day at the office. Yaaaawwwwn.

Cock-a-Doodle-Dubbing: Flirtatious fashion photographer Colin is taking picture of supermodel Laila, when her jealous model boyfriend, Ryan, angrily kicks down the door to confront them. Wayne provides Laila’s lovely lady voice.

TAILSCONJECTURE: Colin shows off his wide range of dialects in this game by somehow doing a French AND Italian accent all at the same time! All this game pretty much did was remind me of how much I want a scene with just Colin and Ryan in it, since they played off each other really well in it! It was almost like they didn’t need the guest star there at all! Almost like it would’ve been BETTER without the guest star! The only parts of this that made me laugh were the parts where Colin and Ryan were bantering with each other, and there was a lady in red standing there too, I suppose. Cue Wayne trying to prove that Colin can do something physical and being right, and you’ve got a pretty mediocre game!

JESSPLANATIONS: I’m aware that I’m a real negative Nancy most of the time, so I’d like to make it clear that I actually really liked Ryan knocking politely with his foot and greeting Colin and Laila with a cordial “hi”. But then he has to go and make things awkward for himself with an unintentionally (?) racist joke about hypnotism! Wayne notices but takes it in good humor; Colin and Laila kind of just ignore the whole exchange. Hearing impaired people watching at home saw no ambiguity in the situation whatsoever, because they correctly put quotes around “chicken”. All in all, I think Ryan actually seems the most upset by the situation, once he realizes the implications anyhow. Meanwhile, Colin gets enthusiastic applause for performing the Herculean feat of lifting a female model!

Prop Wars Episode I: The Stanchion Menace: Ryan and Jeff (ironic hot dog neck pillows, for travelling hipsters) politely take turns with Colin and Wayne (the almighty Blue Stanchion Twins, otherworldly horrors of the Sideways Scene room).

TAILSCONJECTURE: I have to give credit where it’s due, this was actually a somewhat decent game of props. They didn’t use the red thingies as nipple rings like I feared would happen, they didn’t make the penis reference right out of the gate, the Geordi LaForge reference was clever, and they managed to cram two Star Wars references in! Though I will give a pro-tip: if your breasts joke is so bad it has to be explained, just pretend they’re chess pieces. Props is still one of the weakest games on the show, if not THE weakest, but I will say that this was the first somewhat enjoyable one since the series premiered. Hopefully if they insist on keeping it in, it’ll continue down this path.

JESSPLANATIONS: Poor poor Elton John, always eating alone. Even though he has a husband. His name is David Furnish; despite the name, he is not an interior designer. He produced Gnomeo and Juliet, so he’s kinda the opposite, really. This round also contains two Star Wars references, two stereotypical pirate impressions, and a joke about a dead person being buried with a naughty body part still sticking out of the dirt (which, of course, implies that some poor asshole had to make the necessary coffin adjustments as well). And a Little Mermaid reference that might’ve been somewhat amusing, had Ryan been willing to do a Jamaican accent for it. Fortunately, the Stanchions’ natural habitat indicates that their sense of humor is, ahem, what some might call “lousy”, so they enjoyed this. “Colin and Wayne can live,” they say. “FOR NOW.”

Greatest Zits: Colin and Ryan sell “Songs of Acne”, as performed by Wayne and Jeff in the styles of mariachi and Les Misérables.

TAILSCONJECTURE: I was actually looking forward to this game appearing again, but this seemed to be a rather disappointing comeback! Not only is it about a subject that made me cringe quite a bit and made listening to the songs quite uncomfortable, but the discomfort was compounded by the fact that Jeff really isn’t all that great a singer. He has his moments on some songs, like if it’s a Rat Pack member, or…yeah, if it’s a Rat Pack member. The Les Miserables song seemed to have no real melody to it, but maybe I’ve just been listening to the soundtracks on repeat a bit too much. I would much prefer to see Gary play this with Wayne, or get Brad or Chip to come back on the show, since they do have decent voices that have durability in different styles, which is…kind of the point.

JESSPLANATIONS: “We’ll be right back to the CW remake of Grumpy Old Men with Justin Timberlake and a fetus in just a second.” Ha ha, because the CW exclusively uses young actors in its programs! What a funny joke from the 55-year-old Colin Mochrie! No, but seriously, can I take this to mean he too is disgruntled with the cavalcade of young nobodies as special guests? Not that his opinion would really matter either way, because he’s still not an executive producer. Oh, and I like how he starts the game by talking about old people getting acne, surely planning to lead into a style, only for Ryan to shut him down with crazy person talk of nuptials and 70s sitcoms. Usually I’d blame something like this on inept, Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza-style editing, but not this time. It’s all filmed in a single shot. So, yeah, Ryan really is a crazy person! But I’ve talked enough about the first 30 seconds of this game. It was nice seeing Greatest Hits back, overall! Not enough Colin this time, though, and too much Jeff. He’s good at doing silly voices to music, but apparently not so much at straight singing. His atonal caterwauling in the “Les Mis Rables” song sadly undermines Wayne, who was really singing his booty off there!

Assisting Fists: Grizzled boxing trainer Ryan is helping Laila prepare for her first big fight, by bombarding her with food and drink. Colin does and and all fisting on Ryan’s behalf.

TAILSCONJECTURE: Laila Ali was basically saying what everybody else was thinking throughout this game – what does this have to do with boxing? This makes no sense! Is pasta honestly something people eat in order to train? Why were the bananas there? Why did Ryan insist on trying to shove it all into his mouth for some reason? For all the times he hates eating/drinking the things in this game, he certainly seems eager to do a lot of it! Laila was actually pretty invested in this game and didn’t just stand there, which was refreshing, and it looks like even her light punch was enough to get Colin’s hand hurting. Speaking of pain, it pains me to say that I’m sort of getting sick of yet another one of my favorite games! It’s like food, you can eat something you absolutely love every day and you might get sick of it if you don’t vary it up enough!

JESSPLANATIONS: Well, it’s finally happened. I’ve finally grown tired of Helping Hands. Something about the way Ryan practically demanded to deepthroat a banana pushed me over the edge. What fun is the game when it’s clear that Ryan himself is electing to do gross things of his own free will just for attention? It wasn’t funny when I saw my classmates do it in fourth grade, and it ain’t funny now! And then there’s Laila. “ERROR. THIS SCENE DOES NOT PERTAIN CLOSELY ENOUGH TO MY FORMER PROFESSION. DOES NOT COMPUTE.” I suppose their decision to throw a robe on her before she even came out just hyped her up for actual boxing THAT MUCH. In the absence of anything truly compelling to grasp onto in this scene, I’m left to ponder what Ryan’s obsession with the number 34 is. He says he’s been in the business for 34 years, and Laila’s record is 34-0 (despite this being her first big fight). Maybe he’s like the dude Jim Carrey played in The Number 23. I never saw that movie, but I assume it turned out bad for him, too.

Credits Rea-Ding-Ding: Wayne, Jeff, Colin, and Ryan are taking boxing lessons from “our gorgeous guest star” Laila.

TAILSCONJECTURE: I love how Wayne gives Laila a really weird look when she actually tries to stop him from what he’s doing! It’s like she’s actually trying to get into her character and be their boxing coach! Jeff decides he wants to get away from Leila’s bossy boxing and goes to the background to do sit-ups. Don’t you know that trying to hide behind everyone during the credits is Ryan’s thing?

JESSPLANATIONS: “You’re delightful to a man!” Oh boy, here we go again! What does this mean, Aisha? Tell us! I seriously think you’re the only person in the history of the omniverse who has used this phrase!! Are you trying to invent a catchphrase here? It’s not working, because people generally prefer catchphrases that make some amount of sense! Perhaps I’m being too harsh here, though. I think we can all agree that Aisha is definitely delightful to a person who says confusing things.

CONCLUDING TAILSCONJECTURE: I wasn’t really sure how to judge this episode until I decided to take a good look at the games used and how they went over, and when one of the better games you have in the episode is Props, you know there’s something wrong here. This episode isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just sort of bland, and the jokes are all either trying to be sexy or disgusting instead of earning humor by their own merit. The guest star did more than just stand there (when she was allowed to do more than just stand there) but she didn’t do anything to actually make herself stand out even then. I like seeing Whose Line back on TV, but I’m coming to grips with the fact that it will never be the same.

FINALICIOUS JESSPLANATIONS: Well, the thing is, this ain’t Whose Line after all. It’s yet another dumbed down version of the Whose Line shtick, just like Trust Us with Your Life or Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza or Drew Carey’s Green Screen Show. I still watch because I guess I still enjoy hanging out with these guys when the opportunity presents itself, no matter the context, but there’s no denying that the producers and the CW have, together, reduced the Whose Line formula to its basest form. Remember that thing I said about shitty message board improv last week? Yeah, that applies to the whole season, actually!

NEXT WEEK ON NEW WHOSE LINE: “Nikita’s Maggie Q takes a bite out of Whose Line!” Get it? Because Nikita is a series about vampires who-- wait, it’s not? Oh. Then what was the “bite” thing about? Oh, I see! It’s because there’s yet another round of Helping Hands wherein Ryan will be made to/will make himself eat something disgusting! Ironically, Maggie Q will probably decline to take a bite. (Oh, and we finally meet the mysterious Nyima Funk.)

New Whose Line! Episode 8: No Special Guest for the Wicked

Starring Wayne Brady, Keegan-Michael-Key, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus... no, wait. That's it. Cool!

(Watch it here!)

Questionable Wigpressions: It’s Wayne and Colin “vs.” Keegan and Ryan at a family wedding.

TAILSPOSTULATES: What does it say about the show’s budget that they can’t afford boxes of hats for Dating Profiles, but they can afford boxes of wigs to bring back a game that was played all of twice on the old series? I honestly would’ve preferred good old Questions Only! But still, this game did successfully manage to prove that Keegan CAN make Ronald McDonald look twice as creepy, and Colin looks like he’s wearing either a yarmulke or a bald wig in reverse. Wayne is obviously seeking new employment by trying to make the first newscast in the US that comes on at 8 o’clock (seriously, commenters, does the news come on at 8 in your town, ever?) and poor Ryan just doesn’t really seem to care anymore, seeing as how he can be completely entranced by simply seeing an aesthetically pleasing wig! Better call the betting office and give good odds, looks like Ryan really is gonna be the first to go senile!

JESSICAPINIONS: I can’t say I was expecting to see this again! Mostly because, y’know, it rarely has appreciably more personality than regular Questions Only would. Keegan is especially odd at this because he “plays” famous people without even trying to do an impression of them, when everyone knows that only Colin can get away with this. And yes, I thought his Friar Tuck was cute. Wayne was alright too, but Tails already covered the only interesting thing he said. As for Ryan, his British punk rock dartboard mohawk guy starts out with a good old-fashioned silly Ryan accent, but loses around one-tenth of it with each line he says until eventually he’s just regular old bored Ryan Stiles, with a dumb dartboard mohawk. Oh, by the way, was Colin’s “creepy hug” joke in Dating Profiles from the other Keegan taping episode supposed to be a reference to this post-game banter? Or vice-versa? Either way, GREAT JOB, people responsible for editing these episodes!

Scene Seen Sideways: Colin and Keegan are two prisoners working out in their cell while planning a breakout, and Wayne is a tough prison guard who bursts in, suspecting trouble. The styles used include horror and Bollywood.

TAILSPOSTULATES: I honestly wasn’t sure at first glance what Colin was trying to bench press off of, and after watching the game again, I still don’t know. Wow! It almost looks like Keegan is actually doing pull-ups off of that thing on the floor! His arms must be so tired and sore! And Colin must be in remarkably good shape for his age! Can you tell I really hate this game? Whatever happened to the good old days where Wayne did mid-air push-ups off Drew’s desk? Back then you really had to earn those physical gags.

JESSICAPINIONS: It feels like almost every Sideways Scene is about Colin and Fourthy McSeater as criminals of some sort whose plans are mildly foiled by Wayne as a man of the law, doesn’t it? Is it just me? I’ve accepted that Sideways Scene will always feel the same anyway, but they could at least make the token effort to come up with scenarios that feel different, before they dissolve completely! Ah well. Not much to say. The Creepy Blue Stanchion Twins will surely punish Wayne for scuffing up their beloved Magic Mat, as well they should!

What’s in the Womb?: Ryan and Colin are two doctors who have arrived in a remote town where farmer’s wife Wayne is giving birth. The items in the purses include the usual things like bottled water, coin purses, headphones, gum, a tube of mystery cream, and emery boards which have possibly not been urinated on.

TAILSPOSTULATES: I’m warming up a little more to this game now that it’s been played a few more times and they sort of have a handle (get it?) on what they’re doing. However, all three of the scenarios have been medical-related and that’s getting sort of old. If it’s always gonna be that way, why not rename it “Medical Bags” or “Malpractice”? Wayne also seemed to be rather nervous about Ryan’s tiny forceps, and I was too, because back when my mom used to make me wear those they’d constantly pop out of my hands and hit something. I kept waiting for that to happen!

JESSICAPINIONS: Tails is right, every playing of this game revolves around Wayne being in excruciating pain and Ryan and Colin being spectacularly useless. This one is, of course, particularly absurd because farmers birth babies all the time and they don’t need no big-city doctorin’, consarnit! As for the actual content of the scene, well, this game still amuses me but probably won’t for much longer. It’s apparent by this point that there’s rarely more to it than Colin declaring “Look, I’ve got a [object]” and poking Wayne with it, and then Ryan declaring “Look, I’ve got a [different object]” and poking Wayne with it too. I get the feeling that they only included this for the wacky banter about Wayne and the stick o’ pee. Also, there was another “creepy hug” reference. I’m gonna have to pay close attention during the credits so I can thank everyone involved with editing this show BY NAME for their EXTREME COMPETENCY at their jobs.

Scenes from a Pink Hat that Totally Clashes with Aisha's Green Jacket: Wayne and Keegan “square off against” Colin and Ryan, as they act out: “People you don’t want to sit next to on a plane”, “Inappropriate things to say at a funeral”, and “Flavors rejected by ice cream chains”.

TAILSPOSTULATES: This was always my favorite game to see on the old series, since I’m a big fan of rapid-fire improv, but it’s clear that these guys are sort of losing their touch, or still need to find it in Keegan’s case. The network also definitely made a good call by spoiling some of the better responses in the preview because nobody would’ve watched this game otherwise! There were a few jokes that I think only Aisha laughed at (since it’s probably in her contract to laugh like a loon at everything) and the audience was quiet on the ones I actually thought were pretty funny. Better luck next time, guys!

JESSICAPINIONS: Ryan sure seems fascinated with Mitt Romney, doesn’t he? Just think of how funny that might’ve been if this was last year! Ryan does have a point, though - I’d definitely be annoyed if I sat next to someone who spoke to me as if I was Mitt Romney, as would most people who aren’t Mitt Romney. Well, if Mitt Romney isn’t distasteful enough for you, this round also contains jokes about vomit, flatulence, disrespecting and desecrating the recently deceased, primate anuses, and the previous game’s piss sticks. I’d expect this from message board SFAH, but shouldn’t we demand better from our televised hat scenes, people? (Admittedly, I am charmed by the way baboon ass ice cream is served in two big, presumably brightly colored scoops.)

¡MANOS QUE AYUDAN!: Ryan is a Mexican chef who is teaching his oldest son, Keegan, how to prepare food at the family restaurant. Colin provides Ryan’s authentic Mexican hands.

TAILSPOSTULATES: I can assure you that this game had nothing but the utmost respect and cultural sensitivity that it called for! Really! Also, according to Ryan you shake “mariachis”, which I don’t think they like very much. Those taco balls look like they can help you make a John Wayne face in no time at all, though! I share Ryan’s hatred of sour cream, and I’m pretty sure I’d make that face if I ate that much at once too!

JESSICAPINIONS: Helping Hands is one of my favorite games, which is good because, if it wasn’t, I’d probably be getting pretty sick of it by now. Are you getting sick of it? This one’s strictly formula for New Whose Line, after all. Ryan eats some gross shit, pretends to be surprised when he discovers that they put out real alcohol, and doesn’t have a silly accent even though the other guy does. It’s a crime! Also, I’m dubious of any restaurant that makes its taco balls out of burritos! As for Keegan, his inability to even play the straight man without being over-the-top wacky is DULY, DULY, DULY noted.

Almost Dead-its: Wayne and Keegan are two grandfathers bitching about their no-good families, which contain a surprising number of white folks from England.

TAILSPOSTULATES: That sounded more like forty-something flamboyant guys bitching about their roommates and not old men bitching about their families, but I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody else noticed that since you’ve already changed the channel and started watching something else, since you know as well as I do that the episode’s already over!

JESSICAPINIONS: Mykola Pawluk is credited as the editor, but of course it took the incompetence and/or ignorance of MANY others to let this creepy hug fiasco happen, such as executive producers Dan Patterson, Mark Leveson, Jimmy Mulville, Wayne Brady, and Ryan Stiles; director Geraldine Dowd; supervising producers George NeJame and Sarah McHarry; producers Ewan Phillips, Ruth Wallace, Danny Breen, Carrie Havel, and Susan R. Nessanbaum-Goldberg (best name ever?); consulting producer Deena Katz; line producer Jimmy Sprague; post-production consultant Ray Miller; associate director Steven Blum; and associate producers Judith Hay, Juliet Morrish, and Chris Young. To all of you, a hearty fuck you! Better luck next week. (Colin and Aisha, who have no real power, are spared my ire.)

CROWNING TAILSPOSTULATES: I was extremely pleased when I heard that this would be a guest-star free episode...and then I was disappointed again when I found out that the fourth-seater was Keegan. I wouldn’t call him bad, but he hasn’t really found his niche and a lot of his jokes just plain don’t work. We finally got an episode without a forced-in guest star from the network, but it’s also one of the weaker episodes of the new series. And while we got one new game, it wasn’t exactly a game I would’ve preferred to see come back compared to other things I’ve been waiting not-so-patiently for.

CLIMACTIC JESSICAPINIONS: Look, I’m as bothered by the constant presence of celebrity guests as the next guy, girl, etc. But… can you honestly tell me that this felt any different in quality or type of content than the seven special guesty episodes that preceded it? No. No, you can’t, because it’s not true. Keegan is just a 1950s sound effects robot adrift without any sound effects to do, Ryan still sleepwalks through the whole affair until Helping Hands gets him hammered, and so Colin and Wayne alone bear the burden of competency. I don’t mean to sound so negative on this show because I really am enjoying having it back, but I really hope they do something next season to re-energize the proceedings. Like a game involving car batteries and jumper cables. Or maybe something less literal.

NEXT WEEK ON NEW WHOSE LINE: The CW would like you to be aware that this episode contains the most amazing improv game of all time, PROPS! Also, Leila Ali stops by for the typical celebrity guest antics and will possibly be somewhat uncomfortable with the presence of Confederate President Jefferson Davis as a fourth-seater!

New Whose Line! Episode 7: Lisa Leslie's Improvketball: A Laughebration!

Starring Wayne Brady, Heather Anne Campbell, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles!

Plus Special Famous-Type Guest Lisa Leslie, from Backyard Basketball!
(Watch it here!)

Stupid and/or Slutty Newscasters: Colin anchors. Co-anchor Heather is a ditzy beautician taking the opportunity to promote her waxing salon. Sportscaster Wayne is appearing on Girls Gone Wild and becoming increasingly outrageous (or “going wild”, one could say). Weatherman Ryan is moonlighting as a phone sex operator and keeps taking calls during his report.

TAILSMUSINGS: This is swiftly becoming the go-to quirk game and I hope they start introducing more of them soon! The repetition of it all is making Colin desperate enough to trust a ditzy woman like Heather with the application of hot wax and ripping follicles out by the roots! If anything, she’s more outrageous than Wayne pretending he’s being modest about showing us his tracts of land. But perhaps he just doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s wearing a wire to investigate Heather’s obviously under-the-table beautician dealings. Ryan must be a damn good phone sex operator if he can put the same person on hold when he’s charging $4.95 a minute! Maybe said person has a fetish for muzak and bad puns. And I’m sure Ryan’s “Small Craft Warning” will be the perfect thing they need to signal a Flash Flood Warning all over the tri-state area. Oh yeah, baby.

JESSTHOUGHTS: Yeah, was that one round of Let’s Make a Date a fluke? Maybe that was supposed to be Weird Newscasters too, but there were too many stools and nobody could bear to confront the emotionally fragile props department. This was...about standard, I’d say. Heather’s bit gets cut short, but she manages to show off one of her most useful assets: when she actually has a character to play, she commits to it HARD. Here, as per her character, she commits hard to staring off into space for three minutes straight. Meanwhile, they gave Wayne a slutty girl quirk in the fruitless hope that he might take the hint and realize that his shirt is really tight and kinda thin and you can totally see his nipples, fully erect from the studio air conditioning. And it’s appropriate that Ryan gets a quirk about moonlighting at a second job, because he listlessly sleepwalks through this game yet again. He’s so out of it that he thinks TV weatherman talk about sunrises days ahead of time! By extension, he must also be talking about sex acts he won’t perform until several days from now. (Other severe weather terminology Ryan could’ve sexualized: Inland Hurricane Warning, Heavy Freezing Spray Watch, Urban and Small Stream Flood Advisory, and of course, Evacuation Immediate.)

Leslie Shut Up and Jam: Wayne sings to Lisa Leslie, who is a “WNBA legend”, in the style of Justin Timberlake, who is somehow a multiple Grammy-winning recording artist.

TAILSMUSINGS: Obviously the greatest fashion choice one can choose when they’re already abnormally tall is boots with heels! Because what’s the point of being tall if you can’t make puny non-athletic mortals tremble in fear? Even Wayne decided he needed her to stay benched! I will say that Lisa was more talkative and interactive than the other athletes. No matter what Wayne bounced her way, she kept on dribbling! And we all know Wayne obviously wanted to get into her free shot zone, but Lisa knew that she’d only be a rebound.

JESSTHOUGHTS: Haha, terrible basketball puns. Someone had to do them, because Wayne really didn’t! Most of the song was just about how goddamn tall she is, which means that Wayne could’ve also serenaded Ryan with the this song, with only minimal alterations. And this song sounds lovely, don’t get me wrong, but it didn’t really make me laugh, or really feel anything other than “this song songs lovely”. Plus, I can’t really say I approve of the way Wayne goes out of his way to specify that he “want[s] to climb up a stepladder” to her. You need to stop judging things based on closed-minded cultural assumptions, Wayne!

Chewsflash: Heather and Ryan are in the studio, as Colin reports on some surprisingly graphic footage of assorted dental procedures, with blood.

TAILSMUSINGS: Gross-outs have never really been out of the norm for this game, what with the maggots, the Fear Factor montage, and the infamous “stupid human tricks” montage. However, instead of merely showing the grossness of an extreme close-up of someone’s mouth, they decided to make sure that everyone aside from Colin was cringing in pain. I could forgive the examining, the scraping, the drilling and the extracting. But did we really need Orin Scrivello’s money shot at the end? Seeing genuine blood on the TV is very unsettling!

JESSTHOUGHTS: I actually didn’t find this all that disgusting. Maybe it helps that I’ve actually had dental surgery of my own - my wisdom teeth were removed, as my body already contained excessive wisdom levels - as I understood even at the time more or less what they’d be doing in my mouth. This didn’t really surprise me, is what I’m saying. And if you’re one of the few people who weren’t outright horrified by this, then you’ve surely realized that it’s SO BORING OH MY GOD IS IT BORING. Colin doesn’t even give a funny explanation for how this madness started! However, for the first three to four seconds of the game, before the appearance of the telltale dental mirror, I actually thought this might be footage of food being chewed and swallowed, from inside the mouth. In retrospect, I don’t even know how that would work. But would that have been more or less disgusting? Share your thoughts in the comments! (Also, if you watched this on TV, would you mind telling me if this got a content descriptor for “violence”, on account of the bloody sockets?)

The Hangbags of the Christ: Wayne is biking through a forest when he crashes painfully, and paramedics Colin and Ryan rush to his aid. The items in the bags included such exciting things as clothes, makeup, headphones, implied condoms, and a notebook belonging to JESUS HIMSELF.

TAILSMUSINGS: It’s nice to see that Aisha is preparing for her guest role on the cult hit show “Hannibal”! She’s so excited about sinking her teeth into a meatier role on a bigger network! This at least went a little better in the second try, in that they didn’t just haphazardly toss everything out on the floor. I figured that they at least made sure to inspect the bags before choosing them, anyway. Colin, however, is less excited about the fact that he can’t open up the newfangled contraptions in those purses. Not to mention the fact that he found a perfectly good tin of breath mints but couldn’t reveal them because of the brand name. Alas!

JESSTHOUGHTS: Aisha calls this game What Is in the Bag tonight, which sounds a bit stilted in a Mark Trail sort of way, but ultimately it’s not too objectionable. However, if she ever introduces an exciting round of Let Us Make a Date, I’d have to write a strongly worded letter to the CW calling for her immediate dismissal. Do not make it come to that, Aisha. Do. Not.

...anyway, I’ve commented previously about how Wayne plays the antagonist (or “rival”) in most scenes this season. Well, on the rare occasions that he doesn’t, it seems the only other option open to him is to play a man who crashes into a tree and is badly injured. This is probably a more amusing accident than the skiboarding one in Forward/Rewind, if only because it involves Wayne with squirrels in his pants. The fact that Colin and Ryan nearly slice the fucker in two solely using reflected sunlight, like Bond villains, was just icing on the cake.

Crash-Landing Scenery: Ryan and Colin are a honeymooning couple making the most of their first-class flight when their plane hits a big storm and is forced to make an emergency landing in the ocean. Heather and Lisa get to be things.

TAILSMUSINGS: Now that we don’t have the robot Mormon guest stars, Colin can finally go straight for the dials on the radio! Putting Heather in there as well removed some of the tediousness of Colin and Ryan’s ‘don’t touch the guest stars suggestively’ rule. I would’ve preferred to see Helping Hands or another such game, since we’ve been seeing this one so much there’s really not a lot to talk about! But it was somewhat amusing to watch Lisa give her best approximation of a coconut tree – which are fashion models, apparently. Ryan seemed thrilled to have someone as freakishly tall as he is, and he certainly doesn’t make short of this opportunity!

JESSTHOUGHTS: This game features one of my favorite Aisha Reaction Shots of the season! She initially seems to be fairly amused by Ryan’s ‘Virgin’ joke and then in an instant her expression COMPLETELY changes, as she clearly realizes it doesn’t make sense. “If anything, wouldn’t Virgin be the name of an especially chaste airline that wouldn’t involve any seductive rubbing at all?” she ponders, correctly. If you ask me, though, the weirdest thing Ryan says is the joke singling out Heather for being flat-chested, as though Lisa is somehow not. I’m assuming he was just fooled by all the excess fabric hanging off her chest in a way that evokes....a certain sagginess, shall we say. Well, either way, Ryan is a dick and THEY’RE FINE THE WAY THEY ARE. Lisa, having been spared Ryan’s dickishness there, seems to love this game. She especially seems to love being a tree. Judging by the shifting poses she assumes in the guise of a tree, I think she may actually be a Sudowoodo. The giant green pea rocks fell off her fingers at some point, but she’s totally Sudowoodo.

Team Roster: Lisa is a basketball coach giving a pre-game pep talk to her team, which rather unwisely seems to consist of Wayne, Heather, Colin, and Ryan.

TAILSMUSINGS: Lisa surprisingly seems to be the most talkative in this game. Also, while there could’ve been a delay on what was on their monitor and what was displayed on the screen, she seemed to know Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson’s names right off the bat. Do we have another guest star here who has actually seen the show before? She did seem very into things and like she was trying, at least. See, swimmers? Congeniality goes a long way toward winning medals!

JESSTHOUGHTS: “You’re sensational to a person”? Is that really something that people say? You’ve gone a long way towards proving yourself to be Whose Line’s most insane host yet, Aisha. As for the actual “game”, um... I dunno. Ryan’s joke about Mark Leveson being “injured” and “not in the game”. Intentional reference to the fact that he’s not as involved as Dan Patterson? Maybe? Probably not. Credits suck.

HINDMOST TAILSMUSINGS: I had a feeling that it would be difficult to live up to Wilson Bethel, and I was correct. While there were various parts in this episode that did give me laughs, it was dimmed by the repetition of some stale games. My main complaints are that Heather wasn’t given an opportunity to do much of anything, and the showing of the blood in Newsflash still squicks me out. Be careful what you wish for with less censorship, I suppose!

ULTIMATE JESSTHOUGHTS: Yeah, we’re back to pretty middling territory. Serenades have gotten old, Living Scenery was old the second time it was played, there’s two news-themed games for some reason... I could go on and on complaining. You know I could! But I’d also like to say that tonight’s What’s in the Bag has really grown on me - Ryan and Colin seem really awkward with it, but maybe Whose Line needs a few more games that actually force these guys out of their comfort zone. With any luck, in season two they’ll stop adhering so closely to the late-period Drew’s Line aesthetic and try a lot more new stuff. (oh and less special guests please)

NEXT WEEK ON NEW WHOSE LINE: It’s the first episode of the season without a special celebrity guest! Really! The absence of a fifth person hogging the stage will, of course, give fourth-seater Keegan Michael Key even more leeway to be wacky wacky WACKY! All this, plus offensive Mexican stereotypes!